You're Not Stuck on the Decision. You're Stuck on the Story.

If I were an artist, I would make this.

Hello!

Today I want to talk this week about identity. because it keeps showing up in my coaching practice in ways most people don't see coming.

I have had a lot of clients sitting on the same decision lately. Same shape every time: stay in the current role, or take a new one that pays more, has more scope, and lines up better with where they say they want to go.

And then they freeze, like a deer in the headlight.

If you do a clean pros-and-cons sheet, the new role wins. Every time. Cleanly.

But that's never the actual decision we are making.

A few weeks ago I sat with a client who had been turning over an offer for a couple of weeks.

The math wasn't complex: money up, title up, scope up, trajectory up.

Still stuck.

“Why doesn’t she decide already? What is stopping her?”

So I asked the question I end up asking every time this pattern shows up:

"Show me a picture of you in the new job. Walk me through a Tuesday morning."

She could not.

(Btw, my job, by the way, is not to give advice. A good coach asks better questions and gets out of the way. I tell my clients my job is to bring out their thinking. In the privacy of my own head, I want to scream "JUST FU*ING TAKE THE JOB" about twice a week. Fortunately I shut up, around 90% of the time)

The reason she could not picture that Tuesday morning is not because of a lack of imagination. It is that the new role didn't fit the story she had been telling about who she is. And changing our story is harder than changing the job.

This is what we miss when we talk about career choices. We are not deciding between two roles. We are deciding between two versions of ourselves. And one of those versions is more familiar.

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A small Freud detour, because the model is useful even if the framework is dated.

Look at my 1920s drip

We carry around three voices. The id: what we actually want. The ego: who we think we are. The superego: who we think we're supposed to be in front of others.

Every career decision negotiates between all three. The pros-and-cons sheet speaks only to the id (more money, more interesting work, yes please). The block almost always lives in the ego or the superego.

"Who am I if I'm the kind of person who takes that job?" 

And that block never shows up on the spreadsheet.

We make sense of life by telling stories about who we are. "I'm the loyal one." "I'm the underdog." "I'm the one who never sells out." "I'm the steady, reliable one." Stack a thousand of these together and you get an identity: your private one and the one you wear in public.

The strongest of these stories aren't the loud ones. They're the quiet ones you never said out loud.

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So what do you do with this?

Two questions, honestly answered, will get you most of the way:

1. "Whose identity am I currently performing?" Mine? My parents'? An old boss's idea of me? The version of me that survived the last role I was in?

   
   

2. "Which story about myself does this new role threaten?" That's almost certainly the real reason you're stuck. Not the money. Not the title. The story.

You don't have to abandon the story. You just have to notice it's a story – then you can decide whether to re-write it.

That's usually enough.

PS: I once told a client "the only person you owe a coherent identity to is yourself, and even then, just on Tuesdays." She quit her job two weeks later. I'd like to claim credit for the coaching, but honestly it was probably the Tuesday line. I hate Tuesdyas btw – too yellow.

Is your Ego performing a role that your Id never signed up for? 

Most people stay stuck because they’re protecting a version of themselves that no longer exists. If you’re ready to stop performing and start deciding, I’m here to help you navigate the negotiation - send me a message for a chat!

Daniele, The Data Shaman

Aries ♈🥊: You’re addicted to the "Underdog" story. If the new role feels too easy, you think it’s a trap. It’s not. Stop making success a contact sport.

Taurus ♉⚓: You call it "Loyalty"; your spreadsheet calls it "Stagnation." Being the "Reliable One" shouldn't mean being the one who never moves.

Gemini ♊🚪: You keep every door open so you never have to choose an identity. Pick a room. You’re not losing options; you’re finally gaining momentum.

Cancer ♋🛡️: You’re performing the "Protector" role for a company that doesn't need a parent. You can be a good person and still leave for a better Tuesday.

Leo ♌👑: Your Ego is terrified of being a "Beginner" again. Don't let the fear of a smaller pond keep you from a much bigger ocean.

Virgo ♍🔧: You identify as the "Fixer." If a new job isn't a mess, you feel useless. Learn to thrive in growth, not just in damage control.

Libra ♎⚖️: You’re performing an identity that makes everyone else comfortable. If you’re staying just to "keep the peace," you’re the only one at war.

Scorpio ♏🕵️: You’re looking for the "catch" because "The One Who Sees the Trap" is your brand. Sometimes there is no trap—just a better offer.

Sagittarius ♐🏹: You’re afraid the new role makes you a "Suit." You can change the world more effectively from the boardroom than the sidelines.

Capricorn ♑🏔️: You value the climb more than the view. If the new role is high-pay but "easier" (strategic), your Ego feels like a fraud. Take the win.

Aquarius ♒👽: You’ve built a life on being the "Outsider." Don't reject a great path just because it looks "too mainstream." You'll never be boring.

Pisces ♓☁️: You’re the "Dreamer" waiting for permission. Your Superego is waiting for a sign; your Id wants the paycheck. Take the lead.